Wow - how much the months change a person, and how things change - I had forgotten about this place for so long, I was amazed I was logged in. And my last drunken post showed a very ugly side to myself, fury isn't the prettiest thing.

Of course when I got back I sat down and talked to Ted's friend, and I gained a friend, even though sadly lost her in part at the same time, we also moved from

The South I think is good for me, in a year I have gained a more rooted grasp on the earth. Have lost all the money I saved. But luck seems to be at my shoulder, lets just hope I don't let it down, I have a real chance A REAL Tangible almost feel it veil-like, flimsy but almost touchable, brushing across my finger tips.

I have just got to work hard, push myself, show my talents - lol I giggle at the stuff thats on here now, its funny I haven't posted anything in an age - but everythings changing so fast - and I promiss to myself, to post something amazing up here soon, lol at least I hope too!

I've got to get better at promisses me thinks, I let myself down all the time, either that or sell myself short.

But soon I hope to be able to exhibit my work! Or at least get an Agent - oooo so exciting - I met one of Englands loveliest and hardworking exhibitors, and she's fantastic! We shall be going on a picnic soon, and I am to make pieces for her perusal.

I'm envisage my work for Annie as a patchwork of fabrics and stichwork to make something a little like klimt crossed with alfons mucher and audrey kawasaki. It thats possible, the theme is folk lore, so lots of nymphs, and sprites, not the pretty butterfly winged sort, mine shall be quite different. I adore anamorphic paintings of sphynx's and pan.

Painting with either Bon Iver playing - or "Moon and Moon" by Bat for Lashes - beautifully ethereal and visual.

"Calling moon and moon, shoot that big bad hand."

I've lost my silver ankh ring - must keep searching for it. Or perhaps its gone to someone who is taking care of it, and need a bit of protection. my thumb feels naked without it.

Alright first I get held by police for 2 feckin hours, loose 20 quid, next I get a phone call summoning me up north immediately and telling me someone "isn't dead yet."
I beg to know whats going on only to get told I will only find out the bad news if I get up north, so 4 days before my 20th I am not planning a party with my friends and Ted - but cancelling plans, and also getting told that Ted's mate Nat who told him she loved him and keeps phoning at really akward times and acting strangly and inviting Ted round to her place, me not included, because she feels lonely. (and discussing her complicated sex life is impossible unless she's in jimjams. lol)
So 4 days before my birthday I am drunk, dishevelled in need of a shower not feeling too good because of a tummy bug, slumped in a flat in a duvet watching kids play guitar hero, unable to reason properly so only able to yell incoherantly that I want to tear my guys mate nat's tits off - oh dear - tooo tooo too much vodka and ... everything else lol.
Only to burst into tears because I am so worried and think that as no one of my family that I've rung will tell me whose ill - and by what they have said that someone is going to die very soon of something terrible and I am utterly distraught because they wont tell me who or how or what! - but i can't travel till monday and the banks open.
It will also mean leaving Ted behind, and he doesn't believe me that Nat wants to get into his pants, and that she doesn't see it as only friendship. And that I actually do trust him, but am extremely stressed and frustrated.

So - What is going on?

firstly - My Uncle is believed to have MS, and is deteriorating fast at the moment. but lets stay positive, it could be something else - lets pray its anything else.

secondly - my father Angelo is dead, he died of mouth cancer in august, down south in South end on sea, he was just across the country from me - I will never get my chance to meet him. And the funeral has been and gone.

thirdly - Ted was going to sleep over at Nat's but yet again she called - lucky this time what ever was said was so obvious that now even Ted is of the opinion that she wants him as more than just a friend, - least one good thing I'm not crazy and at least on my birthday my boyfriend won't be sleeping round at her house.

Alot of stress and anguish could have been avoided but nope mum decided to only tell me if I spent over 100 quid and travelled for 6 hours alone - why?

because she hates Ted - and why? because I'm living with him, its so fecking stupid!

At least tomorrow I will get to see leelee - man I need ta see a few friendly faces at the mo things are majorly heavy.

(the police you can ask me about later lol.)

I have moved down south so unfortunately i won't be on here much anymore as I am currently residing more in the real world in the realm of Somerset and yes I can do a West country accent.
I am also thinking of cutting all my hair off into a mohecan - XS spellingness - or possibly braiding in a load of colourful yarns so I am still in 2 minds.

PostSecret - google it - for anyone who doesn't know what it is yet - It's very good

*takes deep breath* AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

So, ... I am moving - and may never see any of my family or friends ever again - well my friends is a different matter - but my family say if i go that's it -

- my body - my life - my choice -

It is going to be hard - and yes reality will hit me hard - but till then let me dream of fun and frolicsome times to come

my mother on the other hand never saw her life without me - and will not except my departure saying she and I will never speak again and she will have the cats put down or if they come with me they will most certainly die - my nana tells me she and grandad will die when I am away also - and my auntie says have fun, be careful, and she will miss me.

Hence why it seems I will b calling my auntie alot more than the rest of them for being so shitty to me with their emotional blackamil whilst saying I was purposely trying to hurt them and obviously don't care because . . . - fill in the blank.

which is untrue - I do love them - and if i am being selfish by going aren't they being equally selfish by trying to make me stay by using hurtful tack tics that they know hurt me? I tend to think rents use Emotional stuff as a last resort - and if I was to listen to them then I'd be an idiot to let them manipulate me as I have been manipulated in the past - Just because you love someone doesnt mean you can't leave them to spread your wings - or at least give it a go!

meh - in short I am going and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do or say to stop me - even though it was suggested that mum would lock me in my room and they'd feed me threw a hole they'd cut in the door .... .... ... and they weren't kidding. >w<

I hate all this here - and all it does is make me want to move all the more!

Anyway goodnight all - If I wish really hard maybe I'll close my eyes and wake up in Taunton next to Tedski - lol - or maybe not but whatever happens - know I will prevail against the giant cheese monkies of my bloodline.

The only fear I have is that nana will put daggers on me - and I will fail in everything I do - but at the same time I can repel such things just as long as I keep the right mindset so happy happy smiley smiley

I shall be creating more - It gives me air - it unlocks my mind, my old memory, to create is like air I had become stale - I shall start to live again

The fisher king - watch it peoples!